Child of Society

THE ORPHANAGE, Casper Wyoming: First of all let me set one thing straight. I did not end up in states custody because of something I did wrong, but rather because my parents were failures. My mother left me at age 6 with my father whom she knew was unstable due in part to his experiences in Vietnam. Anyway he finally went to far and ended up in Prison. My aunt took my younger brother and sister and I was sent to an orphanage. I guess that was because she felt she could not control me because I had a mind of my own already. The orphanage was okay at first, I was lucky and had my own room even though the window did not open and the furnature in there was made of steele and bolted to the floor making it impossible to get to comfortable. We didn't have much contact with the outside world other than public school, which was a bitch because all the other students knew where we were from and had no problem making our lives even more miserible then they already were. I was able to maintain my grades but at the same time I began hating school and hating people. I kept to myself for the most part because I really didn't fit in at the orphanage either. Most of the other kids my age were there because they had committed some sort of act against society and the average stay for them was 6 months. I had been there close to a year when we got a new director. At first she seemed pretty cool and then I guess her true colors came out. It all started on Halloween. We had a mascarade party and my friend Tammy had dressed as a black cat. Anyway the next day she was hit by a car and ended up in the emergency room. The director was embarassed because the bra she was wearing had black smudges on it from the makeup the night before. To insure cleanliness the director added a few new rules to our already structured lives. Each day before school we were to report to her office and pull up our shirts and drop our pants so that she could be sure we were clean and she would not be embarassed. I refused to comply, because I was at the stage where I was not comfortable with my own body, and also because I was street smart enough to know she was full of shit. I thought I had rights even as a child, but it didn't take me long to figure out I was wrong about that. My punishment for refusal was staying in my room with the exception of school. I honestly thought things couldn't get any worse, but about a month later the director came on the ward and handed us each a can of comet bathroom cleanser and told us to scrub our faces because we all looked like a bunch of whores. At the time I was 100% Tomboy and was not even into wearing makeup or anything so I didn't feel this applied to me, she then scrubbed my face for me. When I looked in the mirror I was bright red with blistery splothes all over my face. It stung like crazy but I had no time to complain because I had dish detail. I didn't mind having dish detail because my partner was an older kid named Tom and he and I had become close in a brother-sister sort of way. He pretty much was my only friend and I could tell him everything and knew that it stayed between us. I did not want him to see my face and I tried to keep it hidden while we worked, but he noticed and asked me what happened. I couldn't help it, I began to cry and told him everything. If I could turn back time I would have made something up... but unfortunately I can't. When the director came in to check our work, Tom went off on her like a mad man and soon I joined in. It was like a 2 person riot. It was the first time in my life that someone stuck up for me and it gave me such an adrenalin rush that I admit I was out of control. I was screaming at her and calling her names. I told her I was going to see that she lost her job. I told her that I was going to write to every newspaper and news station and even to the President and Congress. I guess this is my way of following through on that years later. She came behind me and put her hand over my mouth to shut me up, and when she did her hand covered my nose at the same time. I was struggeling for air but couldn't get her hands away. I even tried to bite her but I couldn't, so I reached behind me and scratched her face. It was only then that she let go. When she did she informed me of my up and coming court date and told me that I had better be prepared for it because she would see to it that I would be sent away. You see when you are a ward of the state you have periodic court appearences to determin placement, progress or simply review your case. Tom happend to have one on the same day so I thought for sure the judge would listen to me since I had a witness. I told the judge everything, and the director denyed everything. She said I was out of control and that I refused to follow the rules of the orphange. The judge believed her and I got so angry that I pushed the table over and said it was pure bullshit. That got me an additional year in reform school. Tom got the same sentence I did. We were shipped off that afternoon with nothing more than a suitcase worth of belongings. I to Sheridan and Him to the boys reformatory.

REFORM SCHOOL, Sheridan WY: I arrived at reform school on a bus in handcuffs and shackles like I had killed someone or something. There were no fences in most areas but armed guards were all around the complex so escaping was nearly impossible. I was lucky to be going to the minimum security section, so I was not that worried. The first thing that happend was I had to go through admitting, which was horrible. I had to remove my clothes and they sprayed my entire body with a foaming substance. After that they sprayed me down with a hose while I had my arms against the wall. They said it was to keep diseases under control. It was crazy. I then had to put on one of the government issued uniforms, which consisted of a pair of blue dungarees, and an orange hospital type shirt, a pair of socks and some white flip flop style shoes. All my belongings were put into a locker and I would get them upon my release. Next on the agenda was the physical. That is when I had my first paps test. The man who did the test was really old and shaking even. He was the only medical person on grounds. After that I was finally at my destination. This time I had a roommate. Her name was Paula. We talked some, but it was pretty much superficial stuff. Three days after my arrival the head staff member gave me a newspaper and on the front page there was an article my friend Tom had hung himself. I guess he couldn't tolerate the bullshit in his life anymore. I felt responsible for his death. I think they wanted me to see it so that I would learn that there are no happy endings, and that he and I speaking out was going to get us nowhere. It was then that I took a vow of silence. I then promised myself that one day I would tell the world everything even if it took the rest of my life. Everything was structured. It wasn't so bad for me, but some of the other girls had it rough. You see the girls who were in there decided your fate, so if you were not popular you got harsher punishments. One girl named Karen spent the majority of her time served in solitary confinment because every time she would get out they would send her back in for one thing or another. I missed laundry day one time, and I was put on off-rec statis for 30 days. Off-rec meant I could have nothing to do with noise. If the TV was on and I walked in they had to shut it off. I couldn't even have ice because it made noise when it hit the edge of the glass. My 30 days turned to 90 days when I played jacks and the ball bounced. It would not have been hard at all if we were allowed to spend time in our rooms, but even that was limited. We could not receive or make phone calls or mail. My only escape became school, which was ironic considering. The school was on campus too and the cool thing was we could work at our own pace. I went from a 7th grade level to graduation in 10 months. After that I became involved in jazz and weight lifting. I seemed to be fairly popular in there even though I talked to none of them and kept to myself. Then another girl Debbie got transfered to our dorm from maximum. She became my new roommate. She was in there for murdering her father. She had been there for a few years and she didn't like the fact that I didn't talk and unfortunately I was stuck with her. Debbie was a big girl and I will be honest she scared me. She was always threatening me and giving me dirty looks. I felt sorry for her because I figured she had a good reason for killing her dad, and I figured she just got screwed over by the system the same way I did. Instead of keeping her anger in she lashed out at everyone. She was a bully. The staff members there were pretty cool for the most part, except for one we called Cill. She liked to hit us on the back of the head with a flashlight to get our attention. The first time she hit me, I hit her back out of reflex and wound up getting isolation. That sucked because it was just a brick room, no windows no furniture and nothing but a toilet and an itchy army blanket. It was freezing in there. In the door there was a small gap underneath where they would push your food tray through. You couldn't even have your clothes because they feared you would hang yourself if you did... which made no sense considering you could have torn the army blanket and done it if you were that ambitious. Once a week they would take you out and let you shower. That was it. I stayed in there 30 days, all the while thinking of Karen and wondering how she must have felt, and hoping that she would be able to keep her sanity in tact by the time it was all over. When I was in there I also thought about my life and wondered where I would end up. I thought about different ways of escaping the state and I thought about how my thoughts didn't matter for the most part because I was insignificant. Even though I had never broken the law, and my father was a serial rapest he got out before I did! He went to court upon his release to get us kids back and that is when I got released into his custody! On my 14th birthday they told me I was leaving. I got out early and I was not about to argue with them. As an adult I look back and I wonder what in the hell they were thinking by sending me and two other kids back to live with that monster.

HOME AGAIN: Dad rented a small house and this time we even got furniture. It was amazing to me just to have a couch. I thought things were going to be different now, not only because he said so, but also because we had a home of our own. The house we lived in was very close to the bars. Dad spent most of his time there and I spent most of mine taking care of Tammy and Shane. He didn't really cook or do anything like that so I pretty much became in charge of all of that. After about 2 months of Freedom my friend Joy came and spent the night. She borrowed my swimming suit to wear for pajamas and when I woke up the swimming suit was laying on the floor and there was a cigarette burn in it. I knew then why Joy was gone. My dad must have gotten her up in the middle of the night. I was pissed off. Since we were not allowed to disturb his sleep I wrote a note and left it on his door. I told him if he ever touched another friend of mine I would be gone and never come back. After that life was back to normal whatever that was.. and there was no mention of the note so I figured he had gotten the point. We were planning a trip to Thermopolis to go swimming and dad said we could bring a friend if we wanted to, so I asked my friend Brenda if she could go. I told her we would be gone until late so she may as well spend the night. While at Thermopolis we had a great time. Brenda and I did some rock climbing and came upon a campsite where a bunch of young men were camping out and partying. They asked us what our names were and we told them. One of them yelled in a drunken stooper "Angela is up here" it echoed down the mountain side and my dad heard them. He having a twisted protective side came up and threatend the men with a bat and took Brenda and I away. On the way home we were all tired and warn out from the trip. I was making comments about being tired, and asking if we were almost home. It was not until we were 15 mins from home that Brenda told me she couldn't spend the night. That meant dad would have to take her home. I told my dad I wanted to go and all, but he said no. He said I needed to get some sleep plus watch the other two who were asleep in the car. I knew arguing with him was pointless especially when he was drunk... so I gave in and went to bed. At 3:00 am my father shook me awake and told me that he thought he may have killed someone. He didn't have much time to talk as he said the police would be looking for him soon, and he just needed to grab a few things because he intended to hide out. He said he would be back in a couple days but when he would come, he wouldn't have but a couple seconds. He said to have fresh socks and his 2nd pair of glasses out for him so that he could get them. He told me he had went back to the campsite with the boys and that he thought he may have killed one of them with a baseball bat. He said the boy went over the edge. I believed him because he was crazy and I knew he was capable. After the brief conversation, I went back to sleep. In the morning I got his things ready. I knew that once they went after him they would be coming for us too. I did not want to be in states custody again and so this time I planned to run and do anything I could to protect the kids and myself. The neighbors were missing some skirting from their trailer. We stayed under there for a while and watched for the police or our father. By this time I knew way more than I should have about taking care of myself. When I knew it was clear I would sneak back into the house and get supplies, blankets, pillows, food, and even toys for my sister. The problem was keeping them quiet. They didn't understand the way I did. The police didn't come for about 3 days and then they surrounded the house. They kicked in the front door and even threw a can of what I believe to be tear gas into the house. They didn't find us though. Growing up with my father we feared the police. He trained us to live in fear of them so they were like a natural enemy. We would rather die then be in their clutches. They knew we were somewhere but had no luck finding us. They removed various things from the house and then left. I went back into the house and got my aunts number and called her. She came and got the two younger children and gave me a ride to Kansas where my mother was last known to be. I found her but she turned her back on me and placed me in a foster home instead.


				SOMETHING ABOUT ANGIE *Child of Society*



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		I usually don't dedicate my pages, but this one is dedicated to Tom a good friend of mine. We made a promise to tell the world everything and now I am. It is time to be heard. Never again will I be silent. May you rest in peace. If I am asked one question in life more than any other, it would have to be "What was it like growing up in states custody"? That is what this page is dedicated to... letting people know the truth about what it is like growing up that way. I am sorry this page is not as lighthearted as the others, but this is something that I feel strongly about and it needs to be brought to peoples attention for the sake of other children who may be going through it themselves. THE ORPHANAGE, Casper Wyoming: First of all let me set one thing straight. I did not end up in states custody because of something I did wrong, but rather because my parents were failures. My mother left me at age 6 with my father whom she knew was unstable due in part to his experiences in Vietnam. Anyway he finally went to far and ended up in Prison. My aunt took my younger brother and sister and I was sent to an orphanage. I guess that was because she felt she could not control me because I had a mind of my own already. The orphanage was okay at first, I was lucky and had my own room even though the window did not open and the furnature in there was made of steele and bolted to the floor making it impossible to get to comfortable. We didn't have much contact with the outside world other than public school, which was a bitch because all the other students knew where we were from and had no problem making our lives even more miserible then they already were. I was able to maintain my grades but at the same time I began hating school and hating people. I kept to myself for the most part because I really didn't fit in at the orphanage either. Most of the other kids my age were there because they had committed some sort of act against society and the average stay for them was 6 months. I had been there close to a year when we got a new director. At first she seemed pretty cool and then I guess her true colors came out. It all started on Halloween. We had a mascarade party and my friend Tammy had dressed as a black cat. Anyway the next day she was hit by a car and ended up in the emergency room. The director was embarassed because the bra she was wearing had black smudges on it from the makeup the night before. To insure cleanliness the director added a few new rules to our already structured lives. Each day before school we were to report to her office and pull up our shirts and drop our pants so that she could be sure we were clean and she would not be embarassed. I refused to comply, because I was at the stage where I was not comfortable with my own body, and also because I was street smart enough to know she was full of shit. I thought I had rights even as a child, but it didn't take me long to figure out I was wrong about that. My punishment for refusal was staying in my room with the exception of school. I honestly thought things couldn't get any worse, but about a month later the director came on the ward and handed us each a can of comet bathroom cleanser and told us to scrub our faces because we all looked like a bunch of whores. At the time I was 100% Tomboy and was not even into wearing makeup or anything so I didn't feel this applied to me, she then scrubbed my face for me. When I looked in the mirror I was bright red with blistery splothes all over my face. It stung like crazy but I had no time to complain because I had dish detail. I didn't mind having dish detail because my partner was an older kid named Tom and he and I had become close in a brother-sister sort of way. He pretty much was my only friend and I could tell him everything and knew that it stayed between us. I did not want him to see my face and I tried to keep it hidden while we worked, but he noticed and asked me what happened. I couldn't help it, I began to cry and told him everything. If I could turn back time I would have made something up... but unfortunately I can't. When the director came in to check our work, Tom went off on her like a mad man and soon I joined in. It was like a 2 person riot. It was the first time in my life that someone stuck up for me and it gave me such an adrenalin rush that I admit I was out of control. I was screaming at her and calling her names. I told her I was going to see that she lost her job. I told her that I was going to write to every newspaper and news station and even to the President and Congress. I guess this is my way of following through on that years later. She came behind me and put her hand over my mouth to shut me up, and when she did her hand covered my nose at the same time. I was struggeling for air but couldn't get her hands away. I even tried to bite her but I couldn't, so I reached behind me and scratched her face. It was only then that she let go. When she did she informed me of my up and coming court date and told me that I had better be prepared for it because she would see to it that I would be sent away. You see when you are a ward of the state you have periodic court appearences to determin placement, progress or simply review your case. Tom happend to have one on the same day so I thought for sure the judge would listen to me since I had a witness. I told the judge everything, and the director denyed everything. She said I was out of control and that I refused to follow the rules of the orphange. The judge believed her and I got so angry that I pushed the table over and said it was pure bullshit. That got me an additional year in reform school. Tom got the same sentence I did. We were shipped off that afternoon with nothing more than a suitcase worth of belongings. I to Sheridan and Him to the boys reformatory. REFORM SCHOOL, Sheridan WY: I arrived at reform school on a bus in handcuffs and shackles like I had killed someone or something. There were no fences in most areas but armed guards were all around the complex so escaping was nearly impossible. I was lucky to be going to the minimum security section, so I was not that worried. The first thing that happend was I had to go through admitting, which was horrible. I had to remove my clothes and they sprayed my entire body with a foaming substance. After that they sprayed me down with a hose while I had my arms against the wall. They said it was to keep diseases under control. It was crazy. I then had to put on one of the government issued uniforms, which consisted of a pair of blue dungarees, and an orange hospital type shirt, a pair of socks and some white flip flop style shoes. All my belongings were put into a locker and I would get them upon my release. Next on the agenda was the physical. That is when I had my first paps test. The man who did the test was really old and shaking even. He was the only medical person on grounds. After that I was finally at my destination. This time I had a roommate. Her name was Paula. We talked some, but it was pretty much superficial stuff. Three days after my arrival the head staff member gave me a newspaper and on the front page there was an article my friend Tom had hung himself. I guess he couldn't tolerate the bullshit in his life anymore. I felt responsible for his death. I think they wanted me to see it so that I would learn that there are no happy endings, and that he and I speaking out was going to get us nowhere. It was then that I took a vow of silence. I then promised myself that one day I would tell the world everything even if it took the rest of my life. Everything was structured. It wasn't so bad for me, but some of the other girls had it rough. You see the girls who were in there decided your fate, so if you were not popular you got harsher punishments. One girl named Karen spent the majority of her time served in solitary confinment because every time she would get out they would send her back in for one thing or another. I missed laundry day one time, and I was put on off-rec statis for 30 days. Off-rec meant I could have nothing to do with noise. If the TV was on and I walked in they had to shut it off. I couldn't even have ice because it made noise when it hit the edge of the glass. My 30 days turned to 90 days when I played jacks and the ball bounced. It would not have been hard at all if we were allowed to spend time in our rooms, but even that was limited. We could not receive or make phone calls or mail. My only escape became school, which was ironic considering. The school was on campus too and the cool thing was we could work at our own pace. I went from a 7th grade level to graduation in 10 months. After that I became involved in jazz and weight lifting. I seemed to be fairly popular in there even though I talked to none of them and kept to myself. Then another girl Debbie got transfered to our dorm from maximum. She became my new roommate. She was in there for murdering her father. She had been there for a few years and she didn't like the fact that I didn't talk and unfortunately I was stuck with her. Debbie was a big girl and I will be honest she scared me. She was always threatening me and giving me dirty looks. I felt sorry for her because I figured she had a good reason for killing her dad, and I figured she just got screwed over by the system the same way I did. Instead of keeping her anger in she lashed out at everyone. She was a bully. The staff members there were pretty cool for the most part, except for one we called Cill. She liked to hit us on the back of the head with a flashlight to get our attention. The first time she hit me, I hit her back out of reflex and wound up getting isolation. That sucked because it was just a brick room, no windows no furniture and nothing but a toilet and an itchy army blanket. It was freezing in there. In the door there was a small gap underneath where they would push your food tray through. You couldn't even have your clothes because they feared you would hang yourself if you did... which made no sense considering you could have torn the army blanket and done it if you were that ambitious. Once a week they would take you out and let you shower. That was it. I stayed in there 30 days, all the while thinking of Karen and wondering how she must have felt, and hoping that she would be able to keep her sanity in tact by the time it was all over. When I was in there I also thought about my life and wondered where I would end up. I thought about different ways of escaping the state and I thought about how my thoughts didn't matter for the most part because I was insignificant. Even though I had never broken the law, and my father was a serial rapest he got out before I did! He went to court upon his release to get us kids back and that is when I got released into his custody! On my 14th birthday they told me I was leaving. I got out early and I was not about to argue with them. As an adult I look back and I wonder what in the hell they were thinking by sending me and two other kids back to live with that monster. HOME AGAIN: Dad rented a small house and this time we even got furniture. It was amazing to me just to have a couch. I thought things were going to be different now, not only because he said so, but also because we had a home of our own. The house we lived in was very close to the bars. Dad spent most of his time there and I spent most of mine taking care of Tammy and Shane. He didn't really cook or do anything like that so I pretty much became in charge of all of that. After about 2 months of Freedom my friend Joy came and spent the night. She borrowed my swimming suit to wear for pajamas and when I woke up the swimming suit was laying on the floor and there was a cigarette burn in it. I knew then why Joy was gone. My dad must have gotten her up in the middle of the night. I was pissed off. Since we were not allowed to disturb his sleep I wrote a note and left it on his door. I told him if he ever touched another friend of mine I would be gone and never come back. After that life was back to normal whatever that was.. and there was no mention of the note so I figured he had gotten the point. We were planning a trip to Thermopolis to go swimming and dad said we could bring a friend if we wanted to, so I asked my friend Brenda if she could go. I told her we would be gone until late so she may as well spend the night. While at Thermopolis we had a great time. Brenda and I did some rock climbing and came upon a campsite where a bunch of young men were camping out and partying. They asked us what our names were and we told them. One of them yelled in a drunken stooper "Angela is up here" it echoed down the mountain side and my dad heard them. He having a twisted protective side came up and threatend the men with a bat and took Brenda and I away. On the way home we were all tired and warn out from the trip. I was making comments about being tired, and asking if we were almost home. It was not until we were 15 mins from home that Brenda told me she couldn't spend the night. That meant dad would have to take her home. I told my dad I wanted to go and all, but he said no. He said I needed to get some sleep plus watch the other two who were asleep in the car. I knew arguing with him was pointless especially when he was drunk... so I gave in and went to bed. At 3:00 am my father shook me awake and told me that he thought he may have killed someone. He didn't have much time to talk as he said the police would be looking for him soon, and he just needed to grab a few things because he intended to hide out. He said he would be back in a couple days but when he would come, he wouldn't have but a couple seconds. He said to have fresh socks and his 2nd pair of glasses out for him so that he could get them. He told me he had went back to the campsite with the boys and that he thought he may have killed one of them with a baseball bat. He said the boy went over the edge. I believed him because he was crazy and I knew he was capable. After the brief conversation, I went back to sleep. In the morning I got his things ready. I knew that once they went after him they would be coming for us too. I did not want to be in states custody again and so this time I planned to run and do anything I could to protect the kids and myself. The neighbors were missing some skirting from their trailer. We stayed under there for a while and watched for the police or our father. By this time I knew way more than I should have about taking care of myself. When I knew it was clear I would sneak back into the house and get supplies, blankets, pillows, food, and even toys for my sister. The problem was keeping them quiet. They didn't understand the way I did. The police didn't come for about 3 days and then they surrounded the house. They kicked in the front door and even threw a can of what I believe to be tear gas into the house. They didn't find us though. Growing up with my father we feared the police. He trained us to live in fear of them so they were like a natural enemy. We would rather die then be in their clutches. They knew we were somewhere but had no luck finding us. They removed various things from the house and then left. I went back into the house and got my aunts number and called her. She came and got the two younger children and gave me a ride to Kansas where my mother was last known to be. I found her but she turned her back on me and placed me in a foster home instead.